Director: Jack Perez
Status: Movie Review
Oh. My. God. This movie straight shocked me, and I couldn't stop watching. Do you want to watch washup ex-popstar Debbie Gibson as a serious scientist? Or maybe a giant CGI shark eat a plane whole after jumping a bazillion feet in the air? Or maybe you just want to see some CGI tentacles for fucks sake?!. Wait, no! I bet you want to see a CGI shark eat a CGI golden gate bridge in one chomp, and then people overact sadness? Muahaha, just say yes to one of these and we'll move on. YES, well then yes it is! Let's move on I have much to share with you!
So we are introduced to Emma (Deborah Gibson) a scientist who is pretty much a fish herself being so in love with the ocean and studying it. Emma and her partner Vince (Jonathan Nation) steal a submarine from their work and go exploring in the ocean, which results in them releasing trillion year old sea creatures that were frozen in battle ages before. What were those creatures you ask? MEGA SHARK AND GIANT OCTOPUS! Let's not fuck around folks these are two vicious prehistoric CGI maniacs that will consume anything! And I do mean ANYTHING! So the monsters are on the loose and mega shark does not take anytime to stop and smell the sea coral, he eats a plane! All the while giant octopus goes on the move to assault some Asians on the other part of the world. After Emma finds a huge ass shark tooth in a butt fucking gargantuan whale washed up on the beach, she calls her mentor and ex college professor Lamar (Sean Lawlor) to help her figure out exactly what it is. From there on they compose a team of scientists to fight the out of control sea creatures, they are like 13 year old hoodrats that someone put in a room full of old men, alcohol, and crack. Anyways the team is made up of Seiji Shimada (Vic Chao) who ends up falling in love with Emma and banging her in a broom closet, Allan (Lorenzo Lamas), and a few other random navy type individuals.
Alright so 10 minutes of the movie is Debbie Gibson, an old guy, and an Asian guy pouring blue liquid into a test tube and carrying it around in every scene. When they should be finding some type of information to capture the giant sea creatures that are wreaking havok at that very second. Then up next comes the cheesiest sex scene. What the hell kind of scientists just do the deed in the middle of a world crisis, so that's why no one gets anything done around here! Go figure! The American government officials are all banging eachothers brains out in broom closets, that's why we're trapped in a recession. Anyways after Emma gets her brains fucked out she realizes that a chemical attraction is just what those scientists need. So they release some type of hormone juice to attract the creatures to eachother, but instead of banging they fight to the death. In what is one of the worst on screen CGI creature final battles EVER! The octopus squeezes the shark and the shark takes a bite out of the octopus, but before the octopus falls to the sea floor it kills the shark. I think I would have preferred to watch them have awkward interspieces sex..yeah... I said that. Then Emma and her Asian live happily ever after doing probably even more boring stuff.
There are way to many scenery shots for it's own good, not to mention the location titles as well. It's ridiculous every scene we get another location title...well how many fucking places can this movie actually take place in, it's not that complicated of a story. It gets to the point where you're falling asleep because it's not moving fast enough. This isn't a nature documentary, so stop dragging us along at such a pace! They even give us location titles when the previous scene was in the same location, what the fuck?!. Was that really appropriate? As the audience of your movie, are you calling us stupid? Yes, I can identify the lab that these bad actors have been pow wowwing in for the past hour. And lines like this will make you laugh hysterically, "wooo who wants sharkskin boots?" The thing that really irks me is that we don't get to see any blood and guts, which makes the film boring. Come on this is a movie with a giant shark and octopus they should be ripping people's body parts off into itty bitty pieces and chomping them up, WHAT THE FUCK? Give me a gore, or give me a great fucking story....what happened here? Oh yeah, it's a SYFY movie. What was I thinking? I saw the scene of the shark eating the plane and just HAD to watch it, haha. Before we end this review I'd just like to bring up the fact that it's funny that whales burst into pieces when washed up on shore. I remember seeing that in the Reno 911 movie first and was in a fit of hysteria. So before we leave off of this great journey together, I'd like everyone to close your eyes. And I do mean after you read this...just picture a big sperm whale washing up some shore after a failed fight with a mega shark. Now I want you to imagine that same whale spontaneously combust miles into the cloudy blue sky in slow motion. Maybe even imagine a piece of bloody whale blubber(still in slow motion) bash into the side of a senior citizens unsuspecting face. The blood does the splatter effect all over that wrinkly old face of his, and he flies back through the air on impact, crashing into the side of a porta potty that someone is taking a shit in. The person emerges from the porta potty in complete disillusionment only to find this old man has been impaled by a rusty piece of coke can, yes coke can. The man who didn't have time to wipe his ass runs for help(still in slow motion) and we all cheer. Are you feeling that same euphoric relief I am? Good! Now you can carry on with your life knowing that reading this review was totally worth it.
What am I going to give this movie you ask..
2/5 Stars for the shark eating the plane scene
No comments:
Post a Comment