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Monday, April 5, 2010

Rogue (2007)

Rogue (2007)
Director:Greg Mclean
Status:Movie Review

Again I would like to apologize for my lack of updates, but I now have access to a laptop again, so reviews will be coming! Oh I know your as excited as I am! I still have been a busy beaver (Wow that sounds sexist and perverted, haha) but I will get reviews up as soon as I can. And I love you guys for still checking back to read my psychobabble reviews. So thanks for sticking with me!

Do you enjoy giant crocodile's? What about dumb people being eaten? What about DICKS BEING BITTEN OFF? I'm just kidding about that last part, but it could have happened. Actually there's a good chance that the giant crocodile took a bite out of someone and severed their dick clean off with it's teeth. Okay well now that I have grabbed your attention I will stop talking about dicks, or will I? It's a mystery to us all. Anyways I'm highly attracted to Crocodile and shark (or any other water dwelling creatures) movies because I have a giant fear of water and what's lurking beneath it. So every horror movie involving water no matter how cheesy it looks I have to watch it. So as you can see this movie was made by Greg Mclean who did the craptastic movie Wolf Creek. My boyfriend was like "why don't they just call it crocodile creek", hahaha. Yes, I find that extremely funny! And shit why didn't they? It would sum the movie up a whole lot better than "rogue". Oh you naughty misbehaving crocodile! Anyways I've been fighting with myself about this movie all day. It radiates amazing tension from the moment the humongous crocodile tips over the boat until the tour group escapes, then it gets retarded. I was well aware that disappointment would come, but a good chunk of this movie was pretty awesome! If someone enjoys a-creature-from-the-filthy-depths-is-going-to-eat-the-shit-out-of-all-of-you movie, it's Aleata! Here's where the problem arises. There was way to many survivors for my taste. I'm one of those people who wants to see everyone get offed, because I purely enjoy it. I enjoy yelling at my t.v. things such as "GET OWNED", and "BITCH THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE TURNED AROUND AND RAN"! Yes, I'm typically a really amusing and fun person to watch movies with, especially in the theater. I don't hold anything back. I also will not keep anything from you guys in the review. So here goes with Rogue, enjoy folks! =]

This movie is about Kate Ryan (Radha Mitchell) who gives boat tours for "Ryan's wildlife cruise" in the Australian outback. And Pete (Michael Vartan) who's a journalist who's traveled from America to write a story about the tour. He typically writes stories for his job about resorts, hotels, restaurants, etc. So anyways Kate gets her tour group together which consists of Mary Ellen (Caroline Brazier), Simon (Stephan Curry), Gwen (Celia Ireland), Russell (John Jaratt), Elizabeth (Heather Mitchell), Allen (Jeff Morrell), Merv (Barry Otto), Everett (Robert Taylor), and Sherry (Mia Wasikowska). Kate's Ex Neil (Sam Worthington) and his friend Collin (Damien Richardson), also follow them around and harass the tourists for a minute before Kate puts Neil in his place. And in his place I do mean in the water where his dick is then bitten off by a giant croc OH I GOT YOU AGAIN! Seriously though, she knocked him in the water. Anyways this group of tourists is like a group of the dumbest people alive. In my opinion they all should have bit the dust. I'm like cheering the whole time for the crocodile, "COME ON I KNOW YOUR HUNGRY YOU MARKED THOSE BASTARDS NOW EAT THEM"! And what happens..a good chunk of the cast walk away unharmed, you know what that does to Aleata...makes her upset. So the group is floating along peacefully in their boat when one of the tourists notices a flare through his video camera. Oh sir you've just doomed yourself and all the others..oh wait! No you didn't because half the cast lives! So it's procedure for Kate to check out the scene and make sure everything is okay. She starts the boat towards the flare and a little bit later BAM BAM boat gets raped by the big ass crocodile! She wrecks the boat into the stupidest place possible and they are now trapped on a tide island. So when the tide comes up the entire island will be under water and they will all be fucked in the ass.

Then Neil and Collin drive by in their little speed boat showing off and get a good rapin too leaving Collin eatin, their boat sunk, and Neil on the island of fucked individuals. So the group of dipshits put their heads together and come up with some of the most idiotic plans ever. Plan 1 is Neil sneaky swims across to the other patch of land with a rope, he ties the rope to a tree on the other side for everyone to pull themselves across. But of course when your with a group of morons something is going to always go wrong. In this case like 4 different things go wrong. How can you fuck up something so simple, so bad. Just ask these cats. In any case plan 2 is hatched, they get a big fish hook with some big dead fish on it and shake it around on a rope on the other side of the island as a distraction. The plan goes halfway okay because half of the idiots even the old ass bitch with the kid that can't swim make it across, but then CHOMP Bye bye Kate. So Pete takes Kate's dog and tries to find the others, but ends up in the mouth of the crocodile head quaters. He finds Kate partly chewed up but still alive OF COURSE. Her dogs get eaten and Pete has to fight the beast one on one, which looks extremely horrible and lasts to long if you ask me. The first time he pokes the croc with a stick it bites it in two, but for some reason the second time it lunges itself at the stick impaling itself through the head and dies. WOW. Make sense, not much, but that's all she wrote.

For awhile this movie makes me feel like I'm watching a wildlife documentary. It does have beautiful Australian scenery shots, but perhaps to many for me to handle for a horror movie. There are few funny parts of this movie, but one of them is the fat lady with a fanny pack hitting on Neil at his first appearance. The dialogue that goes along with that scene is pretty funny. I laugh at the whole aspect of this fat lady wearing a fanny pack. But then she tries to get all sexy and sassy up on these Australian's, and tries to take photographs of their dicks (that's not a joke). Then there's the old ass lady (who always makes ridiculous faces) who has a 13 year old that even possible? I'm just going to pretend that she adopted her, so I don't get any disturbing thoughts. So the middle part of the movie is good. The intensity of it really built up well, but they just shoot down my hopes toward the end. When their stuck on the island it's fun and spooky to watch, especially because it gets really dark out, making the threat of the crocodile scarier. Also I have to mention the music at that point in the movie is fantastic! It reminded me of the Kronos Quartet in Requiem for a dream. Has that extreme sound that just gives you shivers. He's just lurking out there in the black water waiting to pop out and eat someone. That's entertainment.

The design of the crocodile, like the way they showed parts of him until the end was also really cool. Because you show a CGI tail or CGI teeth and you know it doesn't look that bad, but when you show a whole CGI crocodile in light it looks so fucking shitty. Everyone knows how much I despise CGI! I can only stomach it in small increments. The effects that they did have you know like Kate's injuries did look pretty good, and Pete's half eaten hand. Now he's going to have to get some butt bones surgically implanted where his fingers used to be, like Shia LaBeouf. Dun Dun Dunnnn. As I mentioned before the location was beautiful and everything was quite accurate. I also liked the look of the tour boat it did remind me of Hatchet for a minute. I do mean the boat and the whole swamp look that the river has. I would also like to mention that Kevin the dog was a spectacular actor and the best in the movie! I got very butt fucking upset when the croc ate him, but not the fucking idiotic people. Michael Vartan has the fakest screams in the entire world, haha. I have no idea what made these people decide to make the end so boring. The fact that so many ignorant people lived pissed me off, the fact that the guy killed the big croc in the simplest way pissed me off, the fact that Kate has just been eaten by a giant croc and lives pissed me off, the fact that this big croc didn't have any vengeful babies pissed me off, and last but not least the fact that Greg Mclean directed this movie pissed me off. I'm feeling a little clear headed now I have that out of my system. What does this movie teach us boys and girls? Bring stupid people all together in a huge angry crocodiles territory! *Thumbs up*

I'm going to have to rate this movie a 3/5 stars. It gets that rating because the middle of the movie was so good and had me on edge. And because I'm such a freak about water, even though I'm a Scorpio, a water sign. What a contradiction I am.

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