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Monday, August 9, 2010

The Grudge 3 (2009)

The Grudge 3 (2009)
Director: Toby Wilkins
Status: Bad Movie Review

Reminds me of Jack and the beanstalk

This is such a BAD movie I HAD to review it, because I just have so many nice Aleata-friendly things to say about it. One of my best friends Adam King passed away and I got a good chunk of his movies, and this just happened to be one of them. Seriously this is one of the only bad ones, Adam has fantastic taste in movies. So I can't help myself I've been in a real foul mood lately, so time to vent some of that anger. Funny-Anger that you guys are going to giggle yourself to sleep thinking about. I really enjoyed Toby Wilkins movie Splinter, so when I saw that he directed this movie, I was extremely disappointed. What were you thinking Toby? This movie failed in all it's appalling aspects.

Alright before I unleash my unstoppable Aleata shit talking terror on this movie, let me give you a quick synopsis. This is the third movie in the grudge trilogy, for those of you who haven't seen them, you don't want to. It jumps around a bit in the beginning. We're at a mental institution, then in Japan, then back in America. But if you have a brain you'll keep up with everything. It's pretty simple, just like the entire movie itself. The whole thing just drags along slowly, even when we are watching people get killed. That is pretty much all off screen anyways, GAY!
This story focuses on a family of an oldest brother Max (Gil McKinney), second oldest sister Lisa (Johanna Braddy), and the littlest sister Rose (Jadie-Rose Hobson). Rose has some problem where she needs a breathing tank, because she has these little bitch fits. You know really bad gasping convulsive fits of idiocy on the floor, that's actually a disease? I thought they just called those alcoholic seizures(inside joke). Anyways they are living in a apartment building that Max is working at and trying to rent out the rooms. BUT there's something evil lurking in the apartment and killing people. Something slithering on the floor like a snake and rubbing your face while your trying to sleep. WHAT IN GODS NAME COULD DO SUCH A THING?!?!!!. I'm telling you now, if some little naked Asian kid came front rolling at me on a stair landing screeching like a rabid cat, that little fucker would be punted right through the railing. I'm talking a round house to the face. Aleata Illusion doesn't play that shit! I guess this family is just a bunch of poon tangs, so they are scared of these supernatural forces of dead retards. So more strange happenings start taking place in the building, along with a few deaths, and that's about it. Shawnee Smith(Amanda from Saw) makes an appearance as a doctor to a boy who gets killed by the spirit at the beginning of the movie. So Shawnee gets offed, then Andy(Beau Mirchoff) Lisa boyfriend she bangs all over the building gets offed, the building manager gets meowed to death, and some Asian broad gets offed by Max...that's about it. If I'm put through complete garbage, I always demand TITS and GORE! This does not deliver ANYTHING! The characters are horribly stupid, especially Lisa, of which the movie focuses most on. She pretty much realizes all the things going on when it's about to late, and her brother is a possessed maniac. Really lady? How could you miss the signs? The Asian lady tells her, she's see's dead people around her apartment, and people are dying everywhere, then her brother gets possessed, And mainly that little Asian boy imitating a dying cat obnoxiously everywhere.. How stupid can you possibly be? Does she also not know the difference between her asshole and her mouth either? When the Asian lady(who's sister died there) comes back to save the day, Lisa just grabs her sister and runs off like a big pussy. She only wanted Rose to ingest some AIDS infected blood, what's wrong with that? You've saved the day Rose, but now I'm sorry to inform you that your an 8 year old with AIDS! Tricky tricky Asians, you knew there was a catch right? I'm bullshitting you about the whole AIDS prospect, but that should teach you guys not to drink someone's random bowl of blood. Aleata Illusion even hands out life lessons in movie reviews, BAM!

So if I see one more god damn, bad American remake of an already BAD Asian movie, with little ghost kids meowing like cats...I swear to fuckballs! It's not scary, I laugh for like a couple seconds then want to burn my eyes out with a red hot poker. The kid doesn't even move his mouth, he just has it wide open and a cat sound coming out. Secondly the whole doing front rolls on stair landings and crawling like a legless person on the floor doesn't need to be done in a movie ever again. I don't understand how that is scary whatsoever either. Let's move onto the actors, watching these actors try to struggle through every scene with their shitty NON-acting abilities made me want to special delivery myself anthrax. What's so special about the special effects you ask? NOTHING! It's a bitch crawling on the ground in fast forward looking like a palsy victim in white paint. I'm sick of people bragging and carrying on about how original these American remakes are. Then there's the people who see Ju-On, and there like "did you see the original, it's so amazing, and blah blah blah" trying to impress. They sit at home with their copies of The Grudge and Pulse thinking there has been a break-through in cinema. NO! Listen here betches, you want to watch a real good Asian film, try Wild Zero, Red Eye, or Riki-Oh: The Story Of Riky. I'm Ill tempered about these movies because they don't deserve credit, there's nothing remotely spectacular about them. The American idiots who remake these movies, just want to get some quick cash. They know nothing, and they prove that as we all have to bear witness to the trash. They are repetitive, and boring.
The opening credits weren't original, but they were okay looking. Let's talk about the Asian heroine. First off the Asian lady Noako(Emi Ikihata) who plays her can't imitate an Asian accent worth a shit. I could mimic it better than she does. Lady, you are fucking Asian, what is wrong with you? You don't have any relatives that speak broken English in their Asian accents. You can't even watch a Kung-Fu movie and learn to imitate them. You ma'am are a bad actress, now you shall be stoned! Not like weed, but like "she's a witch stone her". If you think you're fooling anyone with that accent, you were clearly smoking crackrocks in between shooting. I also love in movies when a dead body is being removed from the scene of the crime by the paramedics, and the dead persons head always gets covered up at the last second and someone sees it. That's all bullshit, you know they cover that shit up before they would even have left the room. I'm a sucker for details. Then we have a completely random scene of Max scraping lettering off a glass door. They make the scene seem like he's sitting in a Saw room trying to escape a trap. With all the fast shots, and awkward extreme noises, it was way ridiculous and uncalled for. Because the fact that he's doing his job scraping letters off a door is so important to the plot. Another scene that was ridiculous was the one where the big sister comes back to save the little sister. Okay, she's peeks around the doorway, and the brother is right in front of her, I mean right there. She yells "ROSE" and somehow magically he doesn't hear her. Then the little sister walks right by him and they run off. You know, he just didn't seem to notice anything at all. The scene was way to long as well, I played an entire game of SORRY waiting for it to end. Then one of the most retarded scenes in the movie(Aside from every other scene) is when Max starts running himself into a wall like Helen Keller. *Shakes head* I rest my case.

Get your dick breath out of here lady!

This movie screams YOU'VE SEEN ME BEFORE, I SUCK! There's not one new or fresh thing about this movie. It's part of a deplorable trilogy, in which every movie the exact same thing happens. The only thing that changes is the lame characters, and no one likes them anyways. Butt fucking bad actors! We saw the ending coming from a mile away, and BOO to that!
0/5 Stars

Here's my much cooler interpretation of the Asian cat boy:

Here's the trailer, shows a bit of all 3 craptastic Grudge movies:

1 comment:

  1. I would also like to add Kibakichi to the list of the best Japanese films ever made!