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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Catacombs (2007)

Catacombs (2007)
Director: Tomm Coker and David Elliot(Written by both as well)
Status: Movie Review

Well for some reason I wanted to see this movie even though it looked like "An American werewolf in Paris" rip off. That was my first assessment of it, but after watching it, there was a lot more to it. So it caught my attention as one of the movies I should review. Plus I would love to run around some catacombs myself one day, creepy awesome! =] There’s actually a museum in Palermo, Sicily, Italy in the catacombs with walls covered in actual human bones. It fascinates the shit out of me, and I would die to visit that place. Someday, it’s gonna happen!
Italy Catacombs

The story follows Victoria(Shannyn Sossamon, one the the shittiest actresses in horror history or just flat out HISTORY) as she receives a postcard from her sister Carolyn(Alecia Moore AKA the pop singer Pink) saying "Come to Paris, I think it will be good for you." So she packs her bags and flies to Paris to broaden her horizons. I would just like to blatantly state that Pink has a Saint Bernard head the size of Texas+Mexico, and I don't enjoy staring at her face and huge forehead for an extended amount of time. Why do loser pop singers always try to infiltrate our horror scene when no one likes them anymore? Get outta here! I don't want to be disturbed by your shitty acting in a decent movie. Anyways, Victoria arrives in Paris and meets up with her sister, they go back to Carolyn's crib to kick it for awhile and then run off to a party. Her friends throw huge butt fucking roofie bashes in the catacombs under the city, but they do it in a different place every night, so as to not get caught by the po-po or the "catacops" as they call them.
Victoria is pretty hesitant to begin with, but then she gives in to peer pressure, and goes shopping for a new outfit to par-tay in! They arrive and the party gets started with some creepy ghost stories and absinthe. The group of prankster French friends tell her the story of a boy who was kept in the catacombs and was inbred. He was tormented his entire life and made to be a killing machine. Oh and did I mention he wears a bloody goat head, and is crazy rabid? So anyways Veronica gets angry with Carolyn because she doesn't want to swim, she wants to go back to the party. Don’t throw a bitch fit or anything. Carolyn and the others won't walk her back, so she gets pissed and wanders off herself. Carolyn catches up with her and bitches at her about getting lost, when all of a sudden, BAM! Carolyn's dumbass gets her throat slashed, which leaves Victoria lost and alone in the catacombs with an inbred maniac after her.

The whole movie works and everything, but seriously these people should have known better. Some people being put in live or die situations revert into survival mode, and will end up stabbing you with the closest pointy thing, as we witness here. It's just not that good of an idea to lock someone in catacombs alone, then have someone wielding a weapon chase them around and “kill” people in front of them. Then be stupid enough to leave ACTUAL weapons laying around everywhere. Obviously there's going to be some type of freak accident, come on now! Not to mention mixing all that madness with the aftereffects of absinthe. Those people must have a death wish. Who would want to do something that screwed up to their sister anyways? We've all pulled some practical jokes on our siblings at one time or another, but this? I'm talking hiding behind a door and jumping out, or hiding in their closet in a Ghost face costume, or even hiding under their bed and grabbing their legs. I've done all those things might I mention, haha. But Seriously? I'd stab my sister to death too, shit! That's just crossing the line of "I'm not crazy, you're a crazy bitch" type of thing. That what happens when you put Pink in a movie, SHE DIES! She was pretty retarded to go to the airport covered in blood. She wouldn't make it home. A French policeman with a curled moustache and shiny shoes would torment the truth out of her, then they’d bring her down to the catacrime scene and rape her to death. The End.

1 comment:

  1. Catacombs is a great movie! I almost forget this amazing movie until I read this review. Great review indeed!