Directors:The Spierig Brothers
This is like a newer revised version of blade mixed with Twilight.Yes,the Spierig brothers have unsparingly and positively let me down.Okay,before i get into the full on review of this horrible monstrosity(in this case i mean bad) of a film.Notice that the main characters name is Edward,he survives on animal blood,and has golden eyes.Twilight anyone?Then there's the part where Ethan Hawke puts on his depressed face and states,"I'm already dead".I laughed so fucking hard in the theater i think i caused a couple people i was with to laugh too.Anyways there were plenty of similarities between this movie and blade.It was really identical set designs,and Sam Neill was the mirror image of Udo Kiers(The head vampire) character in Blade.I'm not going lie this movie was extremely hard to sit through.I was bouncing in my seat talking shit the entire time.I know,i know,i'm being way to harsh on the Spierig brothers.These wonderful gentlemen who brought us the ever-so-amazing Undead(2003).They gave me a brand new outlook on zombie fish,i'll never be the same from that life changing moment i saw those little zombie fillets sprint into the air towards that fishermans nose.I mean they have gone mainstream in a terrible fashion,whatever i say from this moment on i cannot help myself.Congrats you've got an all star cast,the movie still sucks.
Without further bitching let me present the story to you.The movie begins and introduces you to vampire hemotologist Edward(haha) Ethan Hawke,as the world is overrun by vampires.He's trying to create artificial blood,since humans are very near extinction with only a small number in existence.Most of whom are captured and placed in a laboratory where they are harvested for their blood.He's keeping confident all the while human Audrey(Claudia Karvan) and half human/half vampire Elvis(Willem Defoe) have already found a cure.Edward goes on the run with Audrey and Elvis and they hide out with some of the last surviving humans in BFE to talk over their plots.They end up changing Edward into a human/vampire,which is caused by the sun.They let him burn then put him out and BAM whadda ya know,A Humpire!Things get complicated when they are persude by head vampire(Sam Neill) and a whole army of brain washed,blood thirsty soldier vampires.Audrey is captured by the military vampires and Edwards brother Frankie(Michael Dorman)shows up and bites Elvis.A new chapter comes into play as they find out vampires who bite half vampire/half humans change back into humpires.So Edward goes back to the building where Sam Neils character is waiting for him with Audrey strapped to a chair.Edward provokes the head vampire into biting him,and he changes back humpire.Then they strap him to a chair and send him down an elevator to be dinner for the army of vampires.Then a chain reaction happens as the vampires turn humpire,and are attacked by the unaffected vampires.Then on and so on.This by far is the only good part of the movie,i loved the slow motion vampires slaughtering the humpires.It put a smile on my face.Anyways then Edwards deranged assistant from the lab comes down only to blow away the remaining humpires and states that no one must know about the cure.Ooohh and the plot thickens,haha.Anyways they drive away into the sunset(literally) and it's the end.Crap,crap,crap.
Then we have Williem Defoe with all the cheesy and ridiculous lines,"we're the folks with the cross bows".There was absolutely nothing clever or funny about that line,even though my friend Mikey a seat down was pissing himself over it.So un-called for!I'm actually shaking my head with laughter as i'm writing this.Most of the dialogue is just flat out boring,especially for being a vampire film.Even with all the fast cars,fighting,shooting,i was still falling asleep in my chair.And i watch everything,i'm a very open minded person.No matter what,I can usually always keep my attention diverted to the movie screen.I found myself extremely bored with everything that happens in this movie.They also had some bad CGI incorporated in there,which i despise.Like i said before i can't give them any credit for their sets because most of them are carbon copies of sets from Blade.I also couldn't get over after Ethan Hawke turns humpire again,he walks outside wearing some sassy unbuttoned white shirt with a black vest over it,and his hair is all fluffed out.Haha,shit!Is it just me or does Ethan look to much like Tom cruise.I personally don't like either of them.
Now don't get me wrong,they do have some good stories entwined in here.I really thought they took a big brave step attempting to twist around the vampire world as we know it.It's nice to see someone trying something somewhat original.The whole drinking the blood and changing back human/half vampire was a nice little touch.They started off on a good story,but I think they went about the process all wrong,and you lose interest(or at least i did).I haven't yet talked to anyone else who's seen it,but everyone i saw it with hated it.Also the fact that the vampires who feed on their own blood find themselves changing into creepy mongoloid vampires.I thought that was a pretty neat addition.All in all watch this movie at your own risk.If your a big fan of vampires you might like it,or find it somewhat interesting.
I give them a 1/5 for the attempt at a different type of vampire movie.Even if it's bad at least they tried.I will still go out and see any other movies the Spierig brothers make.
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